


Find Me

by Jazznsmoke



Category: Boondock Saints, Boondock Saints (Movies)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, America, Angst, Boston, Brother/Brother, Brother/Brother Incest, Brotherhood, Childhood, Conn - Freeform, Dark, Dramatic, Flandus - Freeform, Gay, Hurt, Incest, Ireland, Love, M/M, McGinty's, Norman Reedus - Freeform, Origin Story, Pain, Passion, Reedus, SPF - Freeform, Saints, Sean Patrick Flannery, Sibling Incest, Twincest, Twins, Tyler Carter - Freeform, conphy - Freeform, no hope, relationships, sainthood, twin incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-06
Updated: 2015-04-06
Packaged: 2018-03-21 18:25:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3701903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jazznsmoke/pseuds/Jazznsmoke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The MacManus twins are being seperated for the first time in their lives. One brother in their homeland, the other in America after their biggest secret is revealed. How is their love going to survive?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all. I know it's been awhile since I've posted anything. I've been working on this for months and the first 3 chapters are finished. I just haven't had the nerve to post it until today. Thank you so much to Texasbelle91 for encouraging me and helping me brainstorm the ideas for this story. Without you I wouldn't have written or posted this. Beyondmythought-s thank you, as always for encouraging me and a special thank you for editing this for me! MizxMacManus, thanks for encouraging me as well! I appreciate you three so much!
> 
> For those of you who read my TWD stuff, I'm working on chapters as you're reading this and I'll have something for you guys soon, I hope. Thanks for being patient with me. Love you all!

Ma yelling is never a good thing, Ma talking in a hushed voice is worse. Scarier. She's only ever been tha' mad a couple o' times, an' this is by far the worse.

"I know the bond ya two share, boyos. It's special an' I can't begin ta understand it." Ma spoke, quiet like she's at a funeral.

_Kissing Conn, panting from it, neither of us willin' ta stop so we can breathe. Crash. We jumped apart, looking around wildly, hearts thumping. I don't have ta touch Conn ta know his hearts beating the same beat as mine, as wildly and erratic as mine, from left over arousal an' fear. Our eyes locked on Ma at the same moment. The crash was our bedroom door hitting the wall as she came in, wit' out knocking._

_She knows now. What're we goin' ta do? Connor an' me've been scared o' Ma or anyone findin' out our secret. Ma, her face whiter than a doves feathers, just stood there starin' at us for a long time. I wanted ta glance at Conn. Tell him it's a'right, jus' reassure him or something. I dunno. I didn't. I kept lookin' at Ma. When she finally spoke it wasn't a scream like I expected. It was sad, quiet. "Oh, me boyos."_

"I have ta do this, ta protect da two o' ya."

"Do what, Ma?" Connor asked, the first time he's spoke since Ma walked in on us kissin'.

"I'm splittin' da two o' ya, up."

"What do ya mean? Ya can' tear us apart, ya can't!" I said, same time Conn asked, "what do ya mean?"

"I mean, boyos, Connor's goin' ta America ta school. I hate ta do t'is to ya both. But I can't let ya live in sin, it's ta save ya from the wrath o' God, an' from any o' our family or friends from findin' out. If any o' them do, I'll lose one or both o' ya, an' I won't let my boys get killed."

"Ma, no." Conn's voice pleaded. I felt the world shiftin' around me.

"It's na' up fer debatin', Connor. Da matter is settled. Yer goin' in tree days."

Ma didn't wait around for a response, she grabbed her bottle o' whiskey and went ta her room. After a couple minutes Conn and me hadn't said anything ta each other, but we could hear Ma on the land line in her room, talking ta someone.

"Murph, Murphy." I was zoning out, Connor callin' my name brought me back from my dark thoughts.

I kept my head hung low but cocked my head to the side, showin' I'm at least listening. I can' bring myself to look at my twin. This is all my fault.

"Murphy, it's only temporary."

I didn't say anythin'.

"Nothin's going to change, brother mine. We'll write, even if Ma doesn't want us too, an' I'll call ya every chance I get."

"Everyting is gonna be different," I mumbled. "I don't want ta be wit' out you."

\-----------------------

We spent the next two days packin' Connor's clothes into a couple o' bags and spending every moment together. We've given up sleepin' in our own beds to be close together for as long as we can. The third day, the third mornin', Ma woke us, callin' us down for breakfast. After breakfast she's takin' Conn ta a boat ta travel to America. Breakfast was dark. None o' us talked much. Ma hasn't been drinkin' much, either.

The pain is almost unbearable and he hasn't even left yet. Breakfast is over, Ma made herself scarce so we can spend a few moments together before she takes Conn. I'm not ta go with. I stood and faced the fridge, wrapping my arms around myself. I felt his arms slip around my waist, and he pressed against my back, face in the crook of my neck.

"It won' be forever. I'll call daily an' we'll write too."

"I know," I feel like I'm going ta suffocate. "Doesn' make it any better though."

"'M sorry, Murph." Connor's voice is filled with as much pain as I feel.

"Shoulda been more careful, Conn. I knew better'n ta kiss ya when Ma is home:"

"Aye, we both knew better. We cain't change the past, no use dwellin' on it."

\---------------------------

 

All that's left of Conn is the posters on the wall, and his bed.

When it was time ta go ta sleep for school in the morning I stood in the doorway and looked 'tween Conn's bed and me own. I climbed into Conn's bed instead of mine, wanting ta be close ta his smell, and anything that's left o' his. I swiped at my eyes, angry at the tears threatening ta fall. If I miss him this much and he's only been gone a few hours, how am I going to last wit'out him for longer? We've only ever been apart for a few hours at a time. Even our classes in school were together.

**Dear Murph,**

**I can feel how much pain you're in, dear heart. I feel it as much as my own pain. Being without you is harder than I care to admit. We'll get through this.**

**Ma was right to send me away, Murph. Staying would have gotten one or both of us killed. I won't put you in that danger.**

**America is as wonderful as we dreamed it would be, but would be better with you at my side, like we dreamt. One day soon we'll be together again. I promise you, Murph.**

**Forever,**

**Connor**

Connor's first letter was short.

His first call was longer, but neither of us knew what ta say ta the other, yet.

\-----------------------------------

I felt like someone was beating the shit out of me, but I wasn' bein' hit. Connor's pain. Our twin bond showing me his pain so I can try and ease it. How do I help him when he's in America?

My heart hurts. I miss him so much it hurts to breathe. School is a constant reminder of our separation. Everyone wants ta know where my twin is. Those who aren't our friends are steppin' the lines they drew when Conn and I were always together, no one willing to fight the both of us together. Now it's just me their toeing the line and waitin' for their moment. I can hold my own. But there is only so much a guy can do against a group.

I went to our, my room, after school. Ma is at the bar workin' until the wee hours of the morn. Conn promised to call today. I waited, impatient to hear his voice again, and ta ask him about what happened that hurt him.

"Conn, what's wrong? I can feel ye are in pain,"

"Aye, jus' a little pain, not'in' to worry 'bout,"

"What happened?"

"Jus' some kids showin' me who's da boss,"

"Be careful, aye?"

"Aye, I'll be careful, brot'er mine." A pause, "What's hurtin' ye, Murph? I can feel yer pain as strong as me own,"

"I jus' miss ye is all,"

"Don' miss me too much, I'll see ye sooner than ye think."

"I'll try, Conn."

That moment I promised myself I wouldn't let Connor feel my pain through the twin bond again. I won' make him hurt like I do.

\-----------------------------

Everything is a reminder that Conn isn't here. The pain I feel is worse than anything I've ever felt before, almost like the twin bond is showin' me Conn's pain too, but I know he's not hurtin' like I am, an' I can't feel him through the bond anymore. I closed the damn door 'tween us. I regret closin' the door, shuttin' him out, but its better. It'll be easier on him to jus' forget about me.


	2. Chapter 2

**Connor**

The boat ride was long an’ boring. I couldn't keep my mind off Murphy, wonderin’ how he’s doing, what he’s up to. Knowin’ how despondent an’ quiet he was when Ma an’ I left, he’s probably sulking in our, his, room. It's only his now.

_“You’ll be living wit’ an Irish man named Doc. Yer Da met him before ya an’ Murphy were born. Yer Da trusts him, he always said if anything ever happens, an’ either o’ ya need a safe place, I’m ta send ya ta Doc.”_

_“What’s he like, Ma?”_

_“I don’ know much about him, ot’er than what I learned on da phone wit’ him.”_

_“What do ya know, then?”_

_“He’s got a mout’ on him. Talks an’ interrupts himself wit’ cussin’. He’s good people though.”_

_I didn't say anything in response yet._

_“You’ll listen an’ behave for him, Connor. Make yer Ma an’ Murphy proud,” She says._

_“I will, Ma. Take good care o’ me Murphy.”_   
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was met at the dock by an older man. I took an instant likin’ to him. He explained his hollerin’ cusses as some sort o’ disease. He owns a bar called McGinty’s, Murphy would get a kick out o’ me livin’ above a bar, able to swipe drinks here an’ there, easier than swiping drinks from our uncles bar at home. 

Doc showed me to my room, bare, an’ wit’ only one bed. Havin’ jus’ the one bed will be better than havin’ two beds an’ a constant reminder of my other half not bein’ here. I wonder if Ma an’ Murphy got rid of my bed in our bedroom? I miss Murphy more than anyting already. I noticed a desk in the bedroom, under the small window, overlookin’ the Boston streets. I put what little stuff I brought into the dresser and started lookin’ around the desk, seein’ what I could find. A bunch of school supplies. I start school in two days. What’s American school goin’ to be like? Doc got me into a catholic school, dress code enforced. 

Nothin’ else to do, I pulled out a sheet of paper and scrawled a letter to Murphy. It was short, but what am I supposed to say? I’ve never written a letter to my brother before. An’ I don't want to show Murph just how miserable I am already. I can't make this worse on him than it is. Can't make it worse on either of us. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

School. School isn't anything. It’s boring, covering things I’ve already learned. Friends? I haven't any. I’ve avoided a few fights, some I couldn't avoid, a specific group decided to jump me after the first week. 5 fellows against me. The odds were against me, but I gave as good as I got, knocked one out and hurt another as badly as the three left ended up hurtin’ me. 

I got back to Doc’s, limpin’ from the beating and let him fuss over me. “Doc, don’ tell Ma ‘bout this, a’right?” 

“W-w-why not? Fuck!” 

“Cause it’ll jus’ worry her an’ Murphy an’ they don' need that. I’m not causin’ trouble I swear, Doc. Jus’ some kids pickin’ on the new boy.” 

“I won’ tell ‘em, boyo. Ass!” 

I looked at Doc gratefully. “Thanks, Doc.” 

 

That evening after the fight I got ready to call Murphy an’ Ma. I started to pick up the phone and stopped, a pain in my chest nearly bringin’ me to my knees. Not my own pain. Heart ache. Murphy’s hurtin’. The bond between us givin’ me his pain too. 

What’s hurting Murphy so badly? Can he feel the pain I suffered today, like I'm feelin’ his pain? I have to hide the pain from him, all o' it, or this won' ever work. I picked up the phone and dialed Ma's house. He answered on the second ring, like he'd been sitting next to the phone. The sound of his voice is the most amazin’ thing I've ever heard. It hasn't been long but I miss him more than I could ever imagine missin’ anyone. 

 

I want nothin’ more than to beat on the wall between us that he’s put up, break it down and take all the pain in me brother’s heart. I didn’, though. I let it be, knowin’ he’d hate me fer breakin’ through an’ not givin’ him his space. He’ll bring the wall down on his own soon enough.   
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A group o' Italian's came into McGinty's one night. I started workin' at Doc's place on weekend's an after school to earn some cash, save up to go back an' get Murphy once we're finished wit' school. I noticed a boy a little older than me an' Murph, long dark hair, scruffy like he doesn't bother to ever shave. I served him some pop, a beer when I could sneak him one. He sat a little ways from the rest of the Italians. 

Doc pulled me aside, "There's goin' ta be a fight, boyo. Why don't ye an' that there young gent, fuck! Ass! Go run 'round?" He nodded towards the kid, who introduced himself to me as Rocco. "I don' wan' ye gettin' into this, ass! Shite," 

"Sure, Doc, we'll go." I nodded and made my way back over to Rocco. "Let's get ou' o' here, before we get stuck in the midst o' a brawl," 

"Sure, yeah, that sounds good, man." He agreed. 

We took off an' Rocco showed me a couple places to hang out, good places to eat. We chatted, Rocco told me about his various girls. I found a friend in the lad, a friend when I desperately needed one.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a review :)


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